Abeo, Voldemort
by Lord Ravenclaw
Summary: Series of ficlets detailing the death of Voldemort in odd ways. Formerly the oneshot The Castle.
1. The Castle

**The Castle**

The Death Eaters stood around the lord puzzled, looking at him questioningly…but not _too_ questioningly. After all, they valued their lives. Finally one of their number was bold enough to voice the question all of them wanted to ask, but were too disposable to be able to ask.

"My lord, why are we meeting in this…piece of muggle trash?" Lucius asked his lord. Voldemort glared at him, bouncing slightly on the rubber of the inflatable castle.

"This, Lucius is our new headquarters. After all, no fool on the light side would think dare to think of Lord Voldemort hiding in such muggle filth," Lord Voldemort stated, his voice cold. Lucius nodded, "Very wise my lord. We'll undoubtedly remain undetected here."

The group of dark wizards bounced off the inflated rubber floor and fell as a young muggle girl jumped inside the inflatable castle. Voldemort seethed as he extricated himself from the rubber floor. "How dare you, muggle filth! I will kill you for your impudence!" The little girl squeaked and ran from the castle, screaming about evil men in black dresses.

"My lord, must we remain here? Dolohov has been bouncing and it's disrupting the Feng Shui," Bellatrix whined.

"CRUCIO!" The Dark Lord spat and Bellatrix fell to her knees screaming, unfortunately this had the effect of knocking over Voldemort and his Death Eaters once more as the floor rose up, breaking the connection between the Dark Lord's wand and Bellatrix.

Snape shook his head and muttered to himself, "This is going to end in tears. I know it will."

All of them began moving up and down as Wormtail bounced on his heels, whistling quietly to a tune only he recognized. The entire group collectively turned their icy cold glares on Wormtail and he quailed in fright, falling to the ground in his fear. This time nearly everyone aside from the Dark Lord managed to remain standing as the floor moved up violently as Wormtail collided with the inflated floor of the castle.

The Dark Lord growled, and once again made his way to his feet, sweeping his wand at his followers who were blasted into the elastic sides of the inflatable castle and bounced back at one another, all landing in a great heap in the center, knocking the Dark Lord off his feet again.

Lord Voldemort sighed and muttered incoherently under his breath. This plan which had taken months of planning and thought was turning out much worse than ever conceived. However a godsend appeared as he heard voices outside the castle.

"Come on Big D; let's throw him in the inflatable castle with the kiddies!"

"Yeah, come on Big D! Let's throw the Potter freak in with the rest of the kiddies."

Lord Voldemort rose and quirked his eyebrow in a manner eerily reminiscent of his servant, Severus Snape. Could this be Harry 'Golden-Boy' Potter this muggle filth spoke of? Motioning to his Death Eaters they retreated into the horribly inadequate shadows of their new base. Voldemort crouched beside the entrance to the castle, nearly toppling over as Wormtail tripped over Bellatrix's robe.

As if on cue, an amused Harry Potter flew into the inflatable castle and hit the center, pushing up the sides and knocking over almost all of the inner circle members excluding Wormtail, who was still lying pathetically near Bellatrix. Harry looked around amusedly and quirked an eyebrow, once again, in a Severus Snape fashion.

"Good god, please don't tell me you've been hiding in an inflatable castle Tom. That's just embarrassing," Harry stated, not bothering to disguise the amusement prevalent in his voice.

The Dark Lord in question flushed an angry red, looking more like a sunburned tourist than vengeful demon. Snape just barely managed to stifle a snort. The Dark Lord thought he heard Snape mutter, "We're all doomed." but passed it off as his admittedly overactive imagination. After all, the thought of Albus Dumbledore ruling the world with his iron zucchini left no doubt that his imagination was permanently stuck in overdrive. He shook himself and brought himself back to present situation.

"Yesss Harry," Voldemort hissed at his amused nemesis, "this is my master plan. Nobody will think to look for a Dark Lord and his minions in a muggle play park in the inflatable castle. It's perfect in its simplicity and logic. Infallible."

Harry stood motionless for a moment before breaking into gales of amused laugher, falling to the floor and beating it with his fist, knocking over a good number of the Death Eaters once more.

"Oh Tom, I knew you had a quirky sense of humor, but this by far tops it all. Even Luna Lovegood couldn't come up with something so incredibly insane and amusing!" Voldemort's nemesis crowed from his position on the floor, still twitching visibly as he cackled with glee. Voldemort however didn't find it so amusing.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Rabastian and Rudolphus Lestrange pushing each other against the walls and giggling as they bounced back. Voldemort shot a scathing look at them and they immediately halted their merriment and cowered slightly. The Dark Lord snorted in disgusted amusement, and move toward the wall of his castle, balancing skillfully on the pliable floor. Behind him was a cutout window.

Harry managed to bring his snickers under control and stood up, looking out the cutout window. As he watched he saw his cousin Dudley encouraged by his friends, entirely looking the part of a rampaging, legged killer whale as he began to take a running start towards the false castle, his rolls of fat jiggling. Looking at Voldemort he quickly thought of a plan worthy of the most cunning, ruthless Slytherin.

"Ah Tom, you call yourself a Dark Lord and yet look at you, stuck in a muggle play pen. Tsk tsk, where has our little Dark Lord gone? Mummy is calling!" Harry taunted, giggling slightly.

"You dare..." Voldemort hissed, drawing his wand while completely oblivious to the scene unfolding behind him.

Harry raised his wand at Voldemort, "Yes, Tom. I dare, for neither can live while the other survives."

The man laughed chillingly but filed away his last statement, "You honestly believe you can defeat me Harry? I've had fifty years of magical experience. You've had five."

By this time the Death Eaters had gathered around, literally bouncing off the walls in anticipation.

"Knowledge is no substitute for creativity Voldykins. _Wingardium Leviosa!_" Harry cried as Dudley jumped with the full force of a speeding train at the wall of the castle.

Harry grunted in exertion as Dudley shifted in midair, rising slightly as his flight path was altered to intersect the position of the Dark Lord.

"And either must die at the hand of the other, mugglefucker!"

There was a girlish scream and a sickening crunch as the whale of a boy landed on the Dark Lord, crushing his frail body, his organs all pressed together and damaged beyond repair by bone fragments. The Dark Lord's screams died out as the rage in his eyes flickered and died. The Death Eaters collectively cringed.

There was silence for a moment before Severus Snape snorted.

"I'm going to need therapy after this, I just know it."

**xxxxxxxx**

_A/N: Ahh, the guilty pleasure of writing a drabble which quickly turns into a one thousand word one-shot. My amusing look into Harry's defeat by Dudley + bouncy castle. Don't ask where the idea came from, I don't know. Also, EoH and HoS are coming along well, so expect an update soon._

_Toodles,  
Lord Ravenclaw _


	2. The Bond

**The Bond**

Draco Malfoy smirked to himself as he was branded with the Dark Mark. His Master, his love had permanently branded him as his own. After all, love bites simply don't last. He rose and smiled to himself as he felt Voldemort's approval over their bond. Several months of training had brought the two together, and finally it was official. He would certainly reward his lover that night.

xxxxxxxx

Draco Malfoy loitered around the entrance hall, talking with his friend Pansy and his two thugs Crabbe and Goyle, laughing over another joke as he spotted Potter walking out of the Great Hall, alone he noted. Nodding to the three of them he spoke loudly.

"I bet Potter didn't even survive the Killing Curse, after all, if he could do it anybody could. Instead the Dark Lord most likely took pity on such a pathetic wizard. He must be since the Mudblood and Weasel abandoned him for broom closets."

Pansy and Malfoy's thugs laughed accordingly. Harry stopped in his tracks and his eyes narrowed.

"Well Malfoy, if it's so easy then lets test it on you."

Malfoy stopped laughing and smirked.

"You're on Potter. Tonight after dinner on the Quidditch pitch, you'll cast the Killing Curse at me. I'll even write a magical contract to absolve you from any sort punishment."

Harry's eyes widened, but he thought it over and quickly came to a decision.

"You're on, Malfoy."

The two went to the library where Malfoy drew up the contract. Both of them signed the contract and glared hatefully at one another before making their ways to their respective common rooms.

Several hours later the entire population of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were in the stands of the Quidditch pitch. Harry sat in the Gryffindor locker room, drawing breath quickly at the knowledge that Malfoy would most likely die. However, having signed the contract, there was nothing he could do. He heard his name called and he proceeded onto the pitch where a grave looking Dumbledore waited in the center to officiate.

A hooded man kissed Malfoy's cheek and walked away, briskly scaling the stairs and taking a seat in the stands. Malfoy looked on arrogantly, apparently confident in the knowledge that he would survive. Dumbledore looked at Harry and he nodded. The old warlock nodded his head in return and looked at Malfoy who nodded as well.

Harry's eyes burned into his arch-nemesis' as they stared at one another from opposite positions. Dumbledore brought down his wand and Harry focused on all his anger and rage he'd ever felt for Malfoy and pointed his wand at him.

"Avada Kedavra!" Harry's voice rang out clearly, marred by rage and hate.

Malfoy appeared to get more confident as the beam of sickening green sped towards him. He held his ground, eyes flicking from Harry to the green beam. As it hit his eyes opened wide in fear and mouth opened in a silent scream. His limbs went limp and eyes dulled as he hit the ground with a dull thump.

There was a scream of pain and Harry turned to see the man from before obviously in intense agony. A sharp clap of heartbreaking thunder of a broken soulmate bond boomed around the silent pitch and the figure fell forward onto the ground.

Both Dumbledore and Harry ran to the man, looking on in shock as a glamor slid from his face, revealing the snakelike visage of Lord Voldemort.

Harry turned to Dumbledore, "Well, you always said I'd kill Voldemort with love, but I never could have fathomed this."

Dumbledore nodded mutely and patted his shoulder.

**xxxxxxxx**

_A/N: Ah, another ficlet for Abeo Voldemort. This one came to me as I was reading another story where Malfoy underestimates a pissed off Potter. If you didn't understand this one, Draco and Voldemort are gay lovers with a soulmate bond. When Harry kills Draco the bond snaps and kills him._

_Enjoy,_

_Lord Ravenclaw_


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